Je suis arrivée!

Après beaucoup d'heures à l'avion, je suis arrivée à l'aéroport Charles de Gaulle à 9h30 hier matin.

Mahaut et sa famille sont très sympas. Ils habitent dans un bel appartement à Neuilly-sur-Seine, une ville près de Paris. La fenêtre de ma chambre a une belle vue de la ville et des autres appartements.

C'est ouvert tout la journée.

Ce matin, j'ai réveillée à 5h30 avant tout la famille. L'appartement était totalement silencieux. Il faut que j'attends le petit dejeuner, donc j'ai lu et j'ai changée mes vêtements. Après une heure ou deux, Sibylle a réveillée. J'ai mangée avec Sibylle et Charles parce que Mahaut et sa sœur n'ont pas réveillées. Charles est drôle et il a un mauvais accent américain qu'il utilise parfois. Sibylle est gentille et elle a beaucoup d'enthousiasme.

Mahaut et moi sommes allées à la mairie pour procurer un licence ou quelque chose, je ne sais pas. Mais j'ai regardée Neuilly, et c'est une très belle ville.

Je veux rester ici pour longtemps, et ça fait seulement un jour!  

Whirlwind Update

It's taken me six weeks to remember that I have a blog. I can't believe I've spent a month and a half forgetting something that was once so important to me. Maybe I was unsure that anything I had to write was worth reading, maybe I was just out of ideas. But I am back for good this time, I think.

To catch everyone up on my life, here's what I've been up to this summer:

• Finished off the school year with very few permanent mental scars
• Teaching pilot-program poetry workshops to kids at the Boys and Girls Club as a high school intern
• Started dating a super cute lady-friend of mine (!!!!!)
• Organization and data entry for my kooky and magnificent French teacher
• Drinking lots of coffee with my best friend
• Watched Game of Thrones in marathon sittings (I've now seen all three seasons in two weeks)

My mental health and body image have both improved significantly. I'm proud to say that, after years of heartache and struggle, I can now look at myself in the mirror with a totally neutral attitude. That is a major step up from the hell I used to put myself through every day.

To hear the story of my struggle with eating disorders, click here.

And here is the big news: starting Monday, July 1st and continuing through the 21st, I'll be blogging from France! 

My flight leaves on Sunday afternoon and it hasn't quite hit me how big of a deal it is that I'm leaving the country for three weeks. I don't think I'll fully grasp that concept until I've strapped myself into the plane. Regardless of how I process my travels, the trip is going to be amazing. I'm staying with my friend, Mahaut, who stayed with me for a few weeks last summer. We're unbelievably excited to see each other again.

Actuellement, Je Pense en Français

Mary Beth Gets Intellectual And Overwhelmed

I'm spending most of my night writing a paper analyzing criticisms of capitalism in The Grapes of Wrath. It isn't a difficult concept- Steinbeck was seriously not into the American culture of greed and made that fact explicit in his work, especially in Grapes. He makes the point that the greed resulting from the constant need for economic expansion that is a characteristic of capitalism does much more harm than good for the average American.

And I believe him. That book was written long ago, but I understand and I agree with every brain cell. There is such a push for growth in this country- if a business is not growing, it is failing; if people are not making money, we are failing; if we are not constantly buying more technology to "improve" ourselves, we are failing. This race is so stressful, so overwhelming. No wonder the suicide rate is up.

I don't understand why we always have to be better than ourselves. Why must we keep buying new things, keep expanding our businesses until they harm the people? The world could be so much simpler if everyone agreed to spend their lives resting, without the pressure of having to "get rich or die trying."

We have so much here we think we need.

she says while writing a blog entry from her iPad in the quiet of her own room, surrounded by so many things she doesn't need.

That was unfair. A little contradiction is okay. It is, Mary Beth. It is okay.

I am trying so hard to stop criticizing myself like that.

We do have more than we need. Those first paragraphs were even more words than I needed. More is overwhelming. I am drowning in "more".

Let's tone it down, world. Let's be good to one another, be good to ourselves. Go slowly, be at peace.

Post-Poetry

Just a few days ago was the last day of National Poetry Writing Month. I wrote thirty poems in thirty days. I posted most of them here.

Finishing the 30 For 30 Challenge has given me a huge sense of accomplishment. I'm not someone who usually follows through on anything, really, and I always seem to lack the motivation I so desperately need to complete anything. Because of my past issues with completing projects, I am proud of myself for committing to and finishing such an extensive one.

Let's talk about it. I'd like to start facilitating more conversation on this blog, so let's have a dialogue about the poetry. What are your favorite poems from this month? Is there a distinct voice that permeates all of the poems? Sometimes I wonder if my voice is big enough yet.It's really interesting, I think, to note the differences in style between some of the pieces. What, in your opinion, are the biggest differences between any of these poems?

Use that comment box, please. Words are nice things to share.

I send all my love.

Day 29

Part of the grieving

is wearing her clothes.

Tucking her blouses into my own skirts,

wearing three-sizes-too-small slippers,

wrapping her sweatshirts around me

close.

The way I used to hold her.

My mother watches me leave my bedroom

covered in relics,

memories of saintly, tissue-paper skin.

My mother watches me leave my bedroom

and smiles the smile she smiles

when she does not understand me,

but knows

I understand myself.

For The Little Woman

My great-grandmother died this morning. I do not have words right now. Instead, I'm going to share a post from my old blog. I wrote this on Christmas 2011 after visiting with Gram for the first time in too long. I love that woman.

I went to see my great-grandmother yesterday. She is ninety-five years old. It was the first time I had seen her since her birthday in September (I think), and I felt bad because I really should be seeing her a whole lot more. She's always so happy to see us.

Gram has lived through every major national event since World War One. She has the most incredible memories, and the stories that she tells are amazing and often come out of nowhere.

I learned a lot about life from my visit yesterday. We had been talking about my cousin's plans for college, and then she asked me if I had any plans for myself. I don't, really. Not for sure, anyway. She asked if I wanted to do theater, and I said that I really, really want to, and do you know what she told me?

She said that she hoped I could do it because she knew how happy it makes me.

I had no idea how much I needed to hear that.

A few minutes later, as she was trying to describe my clothing style, she let her voice trail off a bit. Then, she took my hand and told me, "you're just...you're just you."

I didn't think about it then, but that was a really wonderful thing for her to say. I've been searching for the words to define myself for such a very long time, and it was nice to be reminded that no matter what, I am me.

Thank you to the little old woman with the crooked fingers and hair like cotton candy. I owe you one.